Far afield: Your weekly football fix from Afghanistan
10/17/2011 12:00:00 AM | General
Oct. 17, 2011
This article won't take long to write, because I can't think of anything to write about. So that's exactly what I'm going to write about, because I could write about that FOREVER.
You see, it's not writer's block. It's the fact that I was writing a research paper at 1:30 a.m., and I'm suffering for it today. I finished the paper, then thought I'd check the score of the Griz game before I went back to my hooch to try and salvage some sleep.
Eeeks! Griz were down 13-0 (more on that later). So now I'm thinking I gotta stay up and see what happens. This is important stuff. At this point, I'm thinking I might have to write an apology article. I'm thinking I'm still on my big losing streak. And then ... the power goes out.
So now, not only am I all strung out from writing a research paper, but I have a case of the cold sweats because the Griz are losing. YOU try fulfilling a contractual obligation worth tens, if not hundreds of pennies under those conditions.
Usually, something just comes to me during the week. Granted, it may not come to me until I sit down at the computer, but it's usually then that I remember something from earlier in the week that I can use as article fodder. It didn't happen this time, so I found myself forcing the issue.
The following events occurred between the hours of 2 p.m. and 2:59 p.m. on October 16, 2011 (Jack Bauer lives on). Warning: The following conversations were not internal. I swear to you that I spoke out loud and held both sides of the conversation.
Me: Breakfast. Breakfast is funny! Remember that joke that you overheard at breakfast? That can work.
Me: No, it makes fun of people who steel candy from little kids on Halloween, and I'm sure someone would be offended and complain.
Me: Remember that big rock you threw at that other, smaller rock? Yeah, yeah, that was AWESOME!!!
Me: Yeah, that WAS pretty cool. We'll put it on the backburner for now.
Me: How about that one time that the power went out.
Me: You mean crack of butt early this morning right after we found out the Griz were down 13-0?
Me: No, that other time.
Me: You mean the night before?
Me: No, no, that OTHER time! Just forget it. What about when you went home on leave, and when you got there, your wife told you that she had bought a Powerball ticket, hit all the numbers, and won $30 million? And she even decided to stay with you despite being WAY out of your league!
Me: That didn't happen.
Me: I know. I thought we were to the point of making stuff up.
Me: You're a jackhole.
Me: Okay, so the truth is what we're looking for. What about that top secret mission you got briefed on. The one that would end the war. *
Me: I'm not allowed to legally talk about that. In fact, you're lucky I don't kill you for uttering those words. YOU'RE not even supposed to know about that.
Me: Wait, but I'm you.
Me: Exactly.
Me: Huh?
Boss: Shuman, whoever you're talking to, you're both idiots. Where's my damn coffee?
I can't make this stuff up, kids. Think of this portion of the article as "The Seinfeld of all GoGriz.com articles." It is the article about nothing. **
On to Big Sky football!
So to finish my story, I came back in to work and was nervous. I don't get this nervous when they shoot rockets at us. So I fire up my computer, and what do I see? Nothing. The internet is down.
Now I don't want to sound like a wussy, in a foreign combat zone, complaining that my internet was down. And normally I wouldn't. But, dammit, doesn't everyone understand that I have to find out whether I'm going to be in a good mood or a bad mood for the rest of the week?! Come on!!! I felt like Ralphie in "A Christmas Story," waiting to see if I got a Red Rider BB gun.
Finally, a couple hours later, the internet came back up. And what to my wondering eyes should appear? A monster comeback. Waaaaay better than a Red Rider BB gun.
First thing that came to mind was that if I would have been at home, watching with my wife, she would have been rolling her eyes for three and a half quarters because I would have been going nuts. Outstanding, Griz! I know I talk stats frequently, and I did notice some things, but forget it. Great effort!
That other team won. But I'll tell you what, they got beat in the second half by a team that is just average. I asked you to step up, NAU, and you put up enough fight to satisfy that request. Consider yourselves patted on the rump. We'll come back to you. Other team, continue your coast. Just drift right into the playoffs, and then sink like a lead balloon. But watch out, Northern Colorado is going to put a scare in you this weekend.
That's right, the Bears are going to lose a heartbreaker. I know I said that other team would breeze through the next couple games, but I've had a change of heart. The reason is because the Bears scored 27 points against Eastern Washington in a loss, and their quarterback threw for over 400 yards.
I feel some momentum in that squad. They're figuring some things out. That other team is going to be down early and have to come back to win it.
EWU, that's three in a row. And you're sitting at 3-2 in the conference, alone in fourth place. You've got Sac State (who was idle this past weekend) on deck and Portland State in the hole. Technically, you could still make a run at the conference title, but you'll need to win out, and get a LOT of help. Neither of which will happen. I say again, you'll be lucky to be .500, both overall and in the conference.
Weber State beat Idaho State. Weber will beat a Southern Utah this weekend that has had a rough go so far, winless in the conference, and getting beat up. Idaho State is lucky they played Northern Colorado early in the season because I think if they played right now, Idaho State would get beat.
Guess what, Idaho State is the new Northern Colorado. Idaho State, I'm going to send you a care package from Afghanistan. I hate to spoil it, but it's a coupon for one free touchdown in each of your remaining games this season, just so you don't get shut out.
And the Griz' next opponent? As I said, NAU got beat by that other team. And they'll get thumped again this weekend. My only regret is that I won't be there. I guarantee if I was home, I'd be taking my wife and kids to their first University of Montana football game in Flagstaff. Here's hoping that will happen next year.
There you have it. There is some great football coming up. There could be some real movement in the standing the next few weeks. Should be fun.
Go Griz, God Bless, Keep Supporting Our Troops, Rangers Lead the Way!
* No such briefing exists. Well, it does in my mind, but no one wants to listen to my ideas on how to end the war. And what I would do certainly couldn't be printed here.
** Special thanks to Lieutenant Colonel Jeffrey "Gunslinger" Henderson for coming up with the idea to write this article about not being able to think of anything about which to write this article.
